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INTRODUCTION Imagine if you will a typical first grade classroom of twenty-seven children. The children are of various sizes, colors, religions, income levels, and skill levels; their only unifying characteristic being that they are all in the vicinity of six years in age. As one who has worked in child care administration, I can attest to the fact that one can assume nothing about a child simply by looking at them. Sometimes the children of the wealthiest parents are dressed in rags and are none too clean. Sometimes the best-behaved child has a stormy home life. Sometimes the blond-haired blue-eyed child is Jewish. Sometimes the little girl whose hair is fixed so perfectly every day is an adoptee of a single mother who works fifty hours a week. Only after looking in a child’s file are certain of their secrets and mysteries revealed: Child #1 lives with his grandparents. Child #2 has a list of fifteen people authorized to pick him up from school. Child #3 is forbidden by his religion to celebrate Halloween. The list goes on. Their circumstances are every bit as diverse as their faces. Of these 27 children, how many would you guess had been born to unwed mothers? Most people seem to think the percentage is rather low, that out of 27 children, only 3, 4, or 5 of them were born to unwed mothers. The truth is that roughly one third of those children, nine out of twenty-seven, were born to unwed mothers. In 2005, single mothers set a record with 1.5 million babies. Although many would like single pregnant women to believe otherwise, children from one-parent homes are no longer the extreme minority. But just as our twenty-seven children vary so greatly in their circumstances, so do their mothers. Several of those unwed mothers had partners who continued to be active fathers in the children’s lives, some of the children were adopted into other families, some were planned, and some were not. Some of those unwed mothers found suitable partners very quickly after their children were born. Some take years to find partners, and some never do. One must also consider that some of the mothers who were wed at the time of their child’s birth will be divorced by the time the child is in the first grade. A lot can change in six years, after all. Yes, single parent households and blended families are all over the place. Anyone who would tell you otherwise is not only deceiving you, they’re deceiving themselves. Yet there still seem to be people sold on the idea that single pregnancy and single parenthood is scandalous, and unfair to children, casting them into an existence of disadvantage. But this mindset is decreasing in popularity, due to the fact that it’s a cultural tenet rather than a logical conclusion-- it is belief rather than fact. Doesn’t it seem more logical that the child who has one very dedicated parent is much better off than the child whose parents are constantly fighting, in and out of jail, neglectful, or undependable? Everyone who has grown up on what many would call the “right side of the tracks” has seen examples of children who have every material distraction known to mankind at their fingertips, but no interaction, supervision, or guidance at all, not to mention the absolute nightmares that have been found to exist within some traditional and privileged households. Compare the life chances of the child who lives in such a household to the child whose mother can only offer healthy food, help with homework, and a walking companion to and from school. Which child is more likely to become a contributing member to society? Opinions differ, but I cast my vote for the child with the parent who cares. When we look at these nine out of twenty-seven children who are born to unwed mothers, can we really say that they are at a disadvantage to the other students when we can’t see into their lives to weigh the pros and cons of their individual situations? In my opinion, the number one enemy to a child of an unwed mother is not the child’s mother, but is instead the culture that convinces this mother that she is somehow inadequate, incapable, or deficient. When a person or group of people subscribes to this belief and makes it known, they are launching an all-out attack against this mother and her child. They are doing this because they want this mother to feel that she is deficient so she won’t go forward to challenge these tenets of inadequacy with her “impossible” and “unexpected” success in her job, her personal choices, and in raising her child. But I am here to manifest a different outcome for these single mothers-to-be. With the rise of the religious right and the encroaching threat to a woman’s right to choose, it is imperative that single pregnant women rise up in their own defense. It is time for us to show those who subscribe to these negative expectations that the absence of a partner is not going to prevent us from having anything else this world has to offer us. We can have money, homes, careers, educations, and self-esteem—we just have to clear away the obstacles, reach out, and grab hold of our destinies. I am one such person who has swum against the current, knocking down every negative stereotype and negative expectation of my abilities as a parent, a woman, and a human being. Although I never for once doubted my own abilities, I was openly doubted, judged, warned, and ostracized by individuals and groups that had no business having an opinion of my life whatsoever. I didn’t know I my decision would offend so many, and I certainly didn’t expect to have been a lightening rod for negativity simply because I had planned to continue with an unplanned pregnancy. However, if there’s anything I can do with sour lemons, I can and will make them into lemonade. I can use all the experience I acquired to prepare and strengthen other women, helping them and their children to be everything they can and should be. Guess what, society? We’re here, we’re happy, and we’re successful. Get used to it. |
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